


fine

by lovelyebin



Category: PRISTIN (Band)
Genre: Eating Disorders, Gen, kyla-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2017-01-11
Packaged: 2018-09-16 18:31:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9284597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovelyebin/pseuds/lovelyebin
Summary: if life was a walk, kyla's surprised she's still standing.





	

**Author's Note:**

> tw: eating disorder, a lil bit of anxiety

kyla has grown up knowing not to tread through comments. from when she was first introduced to the computer sitting in her living room, to when she used the family tablet, to browsing on her first phone. she's seen unsettling opinions from strangers, words that made her older brother close the tab she was on, insults over insults in long threads on youtube.

but never once, did she think, that they would apply to her.

she doesn't mean to read so many. it was more like a glimpse at what people thought about pledis girlz _(now pristin, she reminds herself)_ , the new power rookies, gaining more and more attention even before their debut. she knows she's built bigger than her unnies, knows that she sticks out like a sore thumb _(she's lamented this thought to sungyeon once, who in return joked about how eunwoo nicknamed her 'thumb'. kyla forced a grin)_ , but she hadn't really been so consious about it until now.

 

-

 

she spends a little more time in front of the bathroom mirror than necessary. pinching the fat on her stomach, her arms, her thighs. every new look brings back an old comment she's read.

 

_"kyla's fat"_

 

_"a whale"_

 

_"needs to lose weight"_

 

_"she can't debut like that"_

 

the stinging in her eyes isn't from the shampoo.

 

-

 

she can't help but compare herself to the members. her round face isn't cute like yewon or sungyeon's. she doesn't have that maknae-like charm that siyeon has. her rap skills can't compete with yebin _(who had made it, even just for a little bit, on show me the money_ ) or nayoung _(who'd already debuted once)_. visuals like minkyung and kyungwon. variety skills like eunwoo and jieqiong. dancing abilities like any of them. none. she has nothing she can't have anything she's

nothing

nothing

nowhere

no one wants

nothing

_no-_

 

"kyla?"

she blinks. nayoung is looking at her, concern brandishing her usually stoic features. behind her, everyone else peeks around, trying to see what happened. she flushes under all the attention.

"sorry unnie," she replies, walking back to her position. kyla can feel worried eyes staring at her.

she reprimands herself in the back of her head for the rest of practice.

 

~~-~~

 

when she was younger, kyla thought of life as a walk. it has it's hills to overcome, and rivers to cross, but as long as you keep on going, you'll be fine. if you don't stop, you'll be fine. it's a little bit childish when she thinks about it now, and yet.

she's referred to as the dance hole in the group. she's stiff and uncomfortable with some of the sexy dances _(frustration builds up because siyeon-who's only a year older-can easily execute any of the songs given to her)_. when she's in the middle for a dance break in one of their covers, she imagines all the new comments coming at her.

pledis has put her on a diet. she's slimmed down, but every time she sees her reflection she can only think about being smaller, less, tiny. bigger is not better, she repeats to herself, as she only eats half her salad that day.

if life was a walk, the compliments she reccieves are a breeze. refreshing and pleasant, you enjoy them for the moment, and then they're gone. each mean comment is a rock in her shoe. it's hard to ignore, and hurts every time she takes a step. it won't go away, and will always stick with her. there are so many rocks in her shoes, she's surprised she can still stand up.

 

-

 

nayoung notices. of course she does, she knows all her members well, and watches over them with eyes like a hawk. it's one of the qualities that make her their leader. kyla catches the eldest's gaze on her bowl when they're having dinner. it's rare to be all together with all the promotions and practicing they've been doing, but tonight is one of those rare moments. kyla's had nothing but rice, and joins the group with light conversation, moving her chopsticks around, mimicking eating. she excuses herself before nayoung can say anything, making up an excuse about needing more sleep while she places her dishes in the sink.

she pulls the covers up to her chin once she settles into bed. she noticed. she noticed, _she noticed, shenoticedshenoticedshenoticed_. her eyes squeeze shut and she tries to even out her breathing. she doesn't even know why she's nervous, heart racing like she had just been caught doing something terribly wrong. maybe it's because someone scratched the surface of her imsecurites, they know that she isn't as fine as she seems to be.

kyla pretends to be asleep when everyone else comes into the bedroom. nayoung's hand brushes through her bangs as she feels a kiss on her temple.

 

-

 

her back hits the washroom door as soon as it closes. pale fingers find the lock and twist it, and she sighs once it goes into place. she ate too much. ate so much, feels so full, everything that she's gone through has been a waste, why did she eat so much _too much_

her stomach heaves.

the bitter taste lingers in her throat, even after rinsing with water and mouthwash. at least she doesn't feel full anymore.

 

-

 

no one comments on her frequent trips to the washroom after meals.

 

-

 

if life was a walk, kyla realizes, most of the rocks in her shoes are from herself. it's all her fault.

 

 -

 

her face matures. if only her thighs, her legs, her arms her

everything else

would do the same.

 

-

 

kyla's hunched over the toilet, throat burning and hand on the flush. she's about to pull down but-

the door opens.

she freezes.

it's yewon.

her eyes close.

small palms are on her her cheeks, but she can't open her eyes, can't see yewon, doesn't want to see yewon, knows she must be so disappointed, so disgusted to see her friend like this.

"illa-yah,"

she finally opens her eyes.

yewon is smiling at her.

"it's okay, you'll get through this," yewon says softly, guiding her to stand up and handing kyla her toothbrush. "you don't have to do it, you're perfectly fine the way you are, don't do this to yourself." yewon's voice is just as soft but it's wavering from determination.

yewon is beside her as she sleeps that night. kyla lets herself breathe.

 

-

 

kyla wakes up to yewon not beside her. she doesn't want to get up, knows that yewon has probably told the members, and they're all wary of her now. she stays in bed until her jaw starts cramping from how hard she's clenching it in anxiousness.

she clears her head and gets up, goes to the kitchen. she finds the members- _her members_ , gathered together. there's a pause when they see her, but it's quickly broken with a flurry of spread arms and tears. they cry and apologize for not realizing sooner. they cry and assure her that she's perfect. kyla cries and takes in every single word.

 

-

 

she gets help. starts eating full meals. loves herself a little more.

if life was a walk, kyla is still pacing on. the rocks are still there, but the breeze is so strong, it pushes her forward.

she keeps walking.

**Author's Note:**

> why is everything i write that isn't chatfic angst,,
> 
> this is more or a less my projection on kyla ;; she honestly deserves the entire world, please love her
> 
>  
> 
> if you're struggling with any eating disorder, talk to someone, get help, it isn't healthy for you, no matter how much you think that it is. there's always someone, it gets better ♡


End file.
